Ready to vanish away... March 6th- 9th

It's Sunday, and here I am!

And here is a recap from Thursday to today about my Lenten journey so far.

Thursday, March 6th:
I spent some time writing my thoughts down on Thursday night about James 5:7.

“Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the Earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and the late rains.” James 5:7- ESV

And here is a bit of my response to this, in a sort of letter to God:

It is hard to know your will, Lord. I have been patient. I have given my life to you in church and volunteering and turning my eyes toward you. Some of the time…

But you have fallen from the highest point in my life. I do not seek you like I used to. I was okay with that, until now. I only want what is not meant for me.

I want things that will not give me true life. And I do not want you.

But would you create in me a clean heart, O God. Restore in me the joy of your salvation.  

Prone to wander, Lord, I’m doing it. I am wandering…

Lord, teach me to let my yes be yes and my no be no.

Be gentle with me, I plead, Lord.

Draw me to you… Reveal yourself to me. Bring me out of this place, into your light. Let my life shine of you, and only you. May you be my motivator. Fill me up, Jesus. 

Friday, March 7th:

I am trying to learn new ways of connecting with God that don't involve writing. Or, rather, I am trying to allow space for Him to meet with me outside of my pen and paper. So I didn't write on Friday. As a matter of fact, I just sat. 

I got home from work at around midnight. Tired. Hungry. Sluggish. Tired. 

So I ate an entire pizza (sorry, not sorry) and sat on the couch and breathed. And I cried a little, which is something I rarely do. 

And I realized how easy it is for my strength to slip away and for my energy levels to drop and for a sense of exhaustion to set in. I think this only gets easier as we get older. But I just sat, literally shoving pizza in my face with tears slowly falling from my eyes, and I settled into this realization that I cannot "do life" on my own. 

I then opened my bible randomly to Hebrews, and read this...

"In speaking of a new covenant, he makes the first one obsolete. And what is becoming obsolete and growing old is ready to vanish away." Hebrews 8:13- ESV

I am still trying to figure out what it is that is "becoming obsolete and growing old" in my life. I have been feeling this way for a while, and this verse put that feeling into words. 

 This all sounds sad, and kind of pathetic, honestly, but I fell asleep easily that night.  I was awoken early on Saturday morning, feeling rested. I had hope. I knew it was a gift from the Lord. 

Saturday, March 8th: 

I spent Saturday with my aunts, cousin, sister and Mom in glorious Old Town Fort Collins. We ate and walked and laughed and shopped and I felt Jesus there in small ways. I wasn't expecting him, and I didn't "invite" him. But he was there. 

I loved that he showed me a new way of connecting with him that day. Where I am, there HE is. He is always with me. With us. 

I had been praying that he would reveal himself to me in new ways, and prayers were answered on Saturday. 

Thank you, Jesus.

Sunday, March 9th:

Today, I slept in instead of going to church. I hate doing this, but sometimes sleep is important too. 

I spent the morning/ afternoon with my family and then went to church tonight for "Taco Talent Night", which is our yearly fundraising event for student ministries. I got to do some set up and take down involving microphones and music stands, and sat in the sound booth. These are things that I rarely do, as I am usually up on stage singing during worship or in the congregation.

It was awesome. Again, new experiences... I felt needed, and realized I hadn't felt that way in a while. 

And I don't really have anything super profound to say about it all. 

Definitely don't have any wisdom or insight to share about Lent this week, either. 

But I have a familiar stirring in my heart tonight. I've been feeling it all day, and I love that I feel God with me again. He brings me out of the desert, over and over again. 

 I'm praying that these "things" in my life continue to become obsolete and grow old and vanish away when they are ready. When God says they're ready...

And I'll let you know what these "things" are when I figure it out :). 

Thanks for reading. Cheers!

P.S.  I've decided I'm going to post updates on both Wednesdays and Sundays, basically splitting the week in half. I realized it will be way too long if I try to fit 7 days worth of words into one post... So see you Wednesday!