Humbled... March 10th-12th

Hello again :) Here we are with updates from Monday to today! 

Monday, March 10^{th  :}

Lent: A journey toward the cross

I am beginning to realize that my commitment to studying Lent and its importance is more time consuming than I expected. I am also beginning to realize that I may be in over my head… 

There is a lot to be said about Lent, from both a Catholic point of view and a Protestant point of view. This is proving to be difficult for me to tackle, as I am not Catholic and I do not know, nor really understand, many of the practices and reasoning of the season of Lent in the Catholic religion. But I began where anyone would… a Google search about Lent!

I decided to keep my search pretty general; not specifying between Roman Catholic and Protestant views. But the Internet did that for me, anyway. There were a lot of websites, such as “americancatholic.org” and “catholiceducation.org” that clearly steered one way. There were also many sites that did not look legit to me, based on my knowledge of reliable Internet resources (yes, I am really learning things in college!). So, I was at a loss for where to begin to relay some of the information about Lent. 

But here is my understanding based on what I already know, and a little of what I read:

1. Lent takes place in the 40 days leading up to Easter.

2. Traditionally, believers are supposed to give up something (fasting, earthly distractions, etc.) to focus on Jesus and his suffering leading up to his death.

3. Believers are supposed to devote more time than they usually would to prayer and penance in the season of Lent. 

4. Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of Lent on the Church calendar, and ashes are put on one's forehead to remind us that "from dust we came, and to dust we shall return". 

5. Lent is a journey toward the cross.

And that was as far as I got on Monday. I plan to research and think more on these topics over the next few weeks, so more information is on the way!

Tuesday, March 11^th

“Do not let your prophets and your diviners who are among you deceive you, and do not listen to the dreams that they dream, for it is a lie that they are prophesying to you in my name; I did not send them, declares the Lord.”Jeremiah 29:8, ESV

 I was really encouraged by this verse on Tuesday. It seems like a strange verse to be encouraged by, especially since it comes just before Jeremiah 29:11, one of the most encouraging verses in the Bible. But perhaps it makes more sense that this would be a source of encouragement for me, in light of the fact that it is so closely connect with verse 11. 

To put this verse in the context of it's time,  Jeremiah 29 was a letter sent from the prophet Jeremiah to the exiles from Jerusalem, who were now residing in Babylon. God told them, through Jeremiah, to settle down in spite of their exile. They were to marry, raise families and wait on the Lord to deliver them. Verse 8 is referring to the false prophets, whose dreams and visions encouraged the people to go against God's will and leave Babylon. This story is pretty foreign to me, as I have never been exiled from my home. And while this verse makes perfect sense in this context, it struck me in a different way.

I loved the "do not listen to the dreams that they dream" portion of this verse. It made me think of all the standards I have ever been held to; all the expectations that have weighed on my shoulders since I was young. I reflected on the dreams I hold close to my heart, some of which have been heavily influenced by other things besides God's will for me. My "prophets and diviners" look more like the media, the secular worldview, and even my friends and family who may encourage me to walk in a way that is outside of God's plan. 

This reminds me to keep my eyes set on God's glory and my heart on fire for Him. I want to dream only the dreams that He has for me.

Thank you, God, for your faithfulness and guidance. 

Wednesday, March 12th:

I ended my prayer yesterday with a word that holds a lot of weight for me... "faithfulness." 

I have never been good at being faithful. For one thing, I started this blog over a year ago with the intention of being faithful to post about my journey after moving home from Seattle... that endeavor didn't go super well. 

I am often really unfaithful to my friends with things like keeping secrets and standing up for them. I'm a people pleaser! That causes me to discount those who are really important to me in order for others to like me more at my friend's expense... 

I feel most unfaithful in my relationship with God, though. I go through long seasons of dryness and shallowness. I have gone weeks without praying before. And then I wonder why God seems quiet and absent. 

However, in the last week I discovered that somehow I have been equating faithfulness with perfection. 

WHAT? How did that happen?!

It seems ridiculous to me... I tell my high school students ALL the time that it doesn't matter how far they may stray or how unworthy they may feel; God is always there, ready to welcome them home. And somehow that message was lost on me? Apparently.

God revealed His grace to me, yet again, and gently brought me to a place of realization about my backward view of faithfulness.
Basically, He said this to me:

"It is not about you connecting with me all the time, daughter. It is about me being with you all the time. Faithfulness does not equal perfection. I am the founder and protector of your faith, and with me you will not fail. TRUST me with your life. Though you may be afraid, walk forward anyway with faith, not perfection. I love you."

Needless to say, I've been in a state of humble gratitude today.
I will pursue faithfulness, and let God be great and perfect.


Thanks for reading, see you Sunday!

Ready to vanish away... March 6th- 9th

It's Sunday, and here I am!

And here is a recap from Thursday to today about my Lenten journey so far.

Thursday, March 6th:
I spent some time writing my thoughts down on Thursday night about James 5:7.

“Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the Earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and the late rains.” James 5:7- ESV

And here is a bit of my response to this, in a sort of letter to God:

It is hard to know your will, Lord. I have been patient. I have given my life to you in church and volunteering and turning my eyes toward you. Some of the time…

But you have fallen from the highest point in my life. I do not seek you like I used to. I was okay with that, until now. I only want what is not meant for me.

I want things that will not give me true life. And I do not want you.

But would you create in me a clean heart, O God. Restore in me the joy of your salvation.  

Prone to wander, Lord, I’m doing it. I am wandering…

Lord, teach me to let my yes be yes and my no be no.

Be gentle with me, I plead, Lord.

Draw me to you… Reveal yourself to me. Bring me out of this place, into your light. Let my life shine of you, and only you. May you be my motivator. Fill me up, Jesus. 

Friday, March 7th:

I am trying to learn new ways of connecting with God that don't involve writing. Or, rather, I am trying to allow space for Him to meet with me outside of my pen and paper. So I didn't write on Friday. As a matter of fact, I just sat. 

I got home from work at around midnight. Tired. Hungry. Sluggish. Tired. 

So I ate an entire pizza (sorry, not sorry) and sat on the couch and breathed. And I cried a little, which is something I rarely do. 

And I realized how easy it is for my strength to slip away and for my energy levels to drop and for a sense of exhaustion to set in. I think this only gets easier as we get older. But I just sat, literally shoving pizza in my face with tears slowly falling from my eyes, and I settled into this realization that I cannot "do life" on my own. 

I then opened my bible randomly to Hebrews, and read this...

"In speaking of a new covenant, he makes the first one obsolete. And what is becoming obsolete and growing old is ready to vanish away." Hebrews 8:13- ESV

I am still trying to figure out what it is that is "becoming obsolete and growing old" in my life. I have been feeling this way for a while, and this verse put that feeling into words. 

 This all sounds sad, and kind of pathetic, honestly, but I fell asleep easily that night.  I was awoken early on Saturday morning, feeling rested. I had hope. I knew it was a gift from the Lord. 

Saturday, March 8th: 

I spent Saturday with my aunts, cousin, sister and Mom in glorious Old Town Fort Collins. We ate and walked and laughed and shopped and I felt Jesus there in small ways. I wasn't expecting him, and I didn't "invite" him. But he was there. 

I loved that he showed me a new way of connecting with him that day. Where I am, there HE is. He is always with me. With us. 

I had been praying that he would reveal himself to me in new ways, and prayers were answered on Saturday. 

Thank you, Jesus.

Sunday, March 9th:

Today, I slept in instead of going to church. I hate doing this, but sometimes sleep is important too. 

I spent the morning/ afternoon with my family and then went to church tonight for "Taco Talent Night", which is our yearly fundraising event for student ministries. I got to do some set up and take down involving microphones and music stands, and sat in the sound booth. These are things that I rarely do, as I am usually up on stage singing during worship or in the congregation.

It was awesome. Again, new experiences... I felt needed, and realized I hadn't felt that way in a while. 

And I don't really have anything super profound to say about it all. 

Definitely don't have any wisdom or insight to share about Lent this week, either. 

But I have a familiar stirring in my heart tonight. I've been feeling it all day, and I love that I feel God with me again. He brings me out of the desert, over and over again. 

 I'm praying that these "things" in my life continue to become obsolete and grow old and vanish away when they are ready. When God says they're ready...

And I'll let you know what these "things" are when I figure it out :). 

Thanks for reading. Cheers!

P.S.  I've decided I'm going to post updates on both Wednesdays and Sundays, basically splitting the week in half. I realized it will be way too long if I try to fit 7 days worth of words into one post... So see you Wednesday!

Starting Today...

Hi, Blog. Nice to see you again... 

Geez. I've been away from this blog writing thing for a couple of months (yet again), and all my talk about being intentional and renewing my relationship with Jesus through this seems trivial now. But it doesn't have to be! Change is possible, so here we go. 

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent and a 40 day journey to Jesus' death and resurrection on Easter Sunday. So… what the heck is LENT?

We give things up, right? We give up eating junk food, or spending time on Facebook, and are supposed to use that time to focus on the Lord and read the Bible and be transformed. That is the most basic and most widely understood explanation of Lent that I know of in regard to our American culture. What does that mean, though? Where did it come from? And, to be frank, why should I care?

Seriously, how is giving up ice cream going to bring me closer to God?

Honestly, I don’t know. I gave up ice cream for Lent once. It was fine. Not my favorite thing, but not super difficult. I don’t recall how often I read my bible while craving ice cream, but probably never. There was a sense of “fake it ‘til you make it” surrounding my Lenten journey that year, and I cannot tell you one thing that I remember about a spiritually impactful moment through those 40 days. This was probably because I didn’t understand what Lent really was, or how to “do it” well. But I knew it was important to my church family, and so it should probably be important to me. It is important, but I’ll get into the “why” later. Anyway…

I didn’t want to give up anything for Lent this year, because I’ve been giving up on so much recently. I wanted something new. Something I had to stick to, though I knew it would stretch me. Something that would add to my life, not make me more apathetic.

And that is when I was reminded of this little piece of the internet that I hadn’t updated in while.

I feel God calling me to speak out about what He is doing in my life, specifically because I feel like He is doing NOTHING. This is so not true, but I think He knows I need to affirm His work in my life in ways that I can remind myself of later. So the idea to document this season of Lent on this blog came to me, and I am running with it.

I’ve realized that I have become apathetic in many areas of my life, and I give up easily. Just because I am still not where I want to be…

A few examples:

1. Still in community college. Don’t know where I’m going to finish up my degree. = slacking on my schoolwork

2. My friends are getting married, graduating, moving on. I’m still in Fort Collins, working and going to school = allowing these relationships to slip because I’m not where they are

3. I don’t understand God’s plans for my life = I’ve given up spending time with Him

Sorry, that was all super depressing. But I believe that honesty and authenticity are so important in a season like Lent. So there you go.

Each Sunday, I’ll be posting a recap of my daily moments with Jesus and what He is teaching me and doing with me. Some of this will include studying the history of Lent and what it really means, as well as what it means to me. Some of this will include praises, joys, doubts, dryness and a whole lot of honesty.

I’m pretty terrible as keeping myself accountable with these kinds of things, but I am determined to be faithful over the next 40 days. So tune in on Sunday for the recap of this first half-week of Lent. 

I’ll be there! 

Intentions

When I started this blog last year, I intended it to be an outlet for documenting my journey of renewal with Jesus throughout the year. I did not make any promises to myself about how often I would post, or to what depths I would go in my mind's wanderings. This seemed to be a good idea at the time, no pressure, you know? But seeing as I only posted four times in the last year and few months, I am questioning the effectiveness of my "no pressure" approach. This has left me pondering the importance of intention in my relationship with things and people in my life. I have been learning about intentions in relationships for a few years now, as these thoughts and lessons really started to become apparent while I was living in Seattle. This, of course, began to spill over into other areas in my life. I have been learning how important it is to be intentional in my time with friends and my sister, cousins and parents. I thought I had it figured out, and it was then that I heard a small voice whispering "What about me?"
It became clear that the most important relationship that I need to apply intentionality to is my relationship with Christ. Duh, right? You would think!
But when I take time to pray, worship and read the Word, it is so important that I do it and expect a reply! Jesus says we do not have, because we do not ask. As I spend time with Him and am honest with myself about the things I want and need, I need to articulate that to my Father. This is the core of being intentional. And I am amazed with the ways that He responds to my intentionality...
It is not by him granting a "yes" to every prayer of want, nor is it always an immediate feeling of comfort, inspiration or endurance when I need it. It is in Him giving me knowledge of His power and control over my life; knowledge of His overwhelming love for me. But more than that, He is calling me to trust him. And as I continue to be intentional with Christ, I know that my trust and knowledge will grow as He fulfills His promises to me.

Sometimes, when I am at church on Sunday mornings, or singing worship songs in my head, I get this feeling of something more than air rushing into my lungs before I finish a breath. I breathe in longer, slower. I close my eyes and just breathe, letting this "something" take over. This is something that is more vital to my life than even the air I breathe. It is His presence, and He is making himself known to me, in this gentle way. 

"You are closer than my next breath. 

Oh Lord, King of my heart, continue to meet me as I strive to be intentional with you. For you are great; worthy and worthy to be praised."

Today is the day!

Today is the day, my friends!
The blog is back, the intention is true and the habits are ready to be broken.
More to come...

Psalms for days!

You know what I love?
Rain.
Chocolate.
Psalms.

Thankfully, I have had the pleasure of interacting with all three of these things today, which is a pretty big deal since it hardly ever rains in Colorado.
And chocolate is always in my house. ALWAYS.
And Psalms are something that I used to love from a distance. I used to read them, thinking "well that was nice" and completely forget what I read. But in the past few years, I have found myself so drawn to them. It amazes me how the authors of these short songs are so honest and vulnerable with their pleas and praises to God, especially in times of guilt and depression and persecution. I realized the other day that I have only read maybe three or four Psalms that really stuck with me, and I began to wonder what I was missing out on. So with that, I decided to read through a Psalm a day. 150 Psalms in 150 days, if you will.
Today is my third day of this venture, so naturally I read Psalm 3! Verses 3 and 4 really stuck out to me, saying...
But You, O Lord, are a shield for me,
My glory and the One who lifts up my head.⁴ I cried to the Lord with my voice,And He heard me from His holy hill. Selah

I really can't tell you exactly why I love this so much. It's comforting, yes. The words are beautiful. But there is something else. Something about the way the David proclaims who God IS (a shield, my glory, the One who lifts up my head). I often feel a little weird telling God who He IS when I worship Him. Isn't God the one who tells US who He is? And who we are, for that matter. And yet, David's words overflow with such undeniable truth. God does indeed hear me from His holy hill. He is indeed my shield, my glory and the One who lifts up my head (this is an expression of encouragement).

Sometimes I give my heavenly Father such little credit. I do not trust that He really is who He says He is. I do not think He will really do what He says He will do. I do not follow His command to "remain in His love"(John 15:9). 

Yet He loves ME. Forever and always. 

What a wonderful Savior :)

in the secret, quiet place

On Monday, during my 9am psychology class I had a somewhat strange but wholly beautiful experience. Jesus came and sat with me for a while. He came to talk to me through my own writing. Here is the whole story...

My prayer this week has been this: "Jesus, tell me what you love. I want to love it, too."
That prayer runs through my head daily, always in the back of my mind. But this morning, Jesus answered my call. I had this irresistible impulse to start writing. So I wrote down that prayer. And suddenly, my hand began forming letters, into words, into sentences. I wasn't sure where it was coming from until I sat back to read what I had written. It was an answer straight from Jesus, a literal answer to my prayer. He said this...
"I don't need to. You know what I love, daughter. I love my children. You shall love them, too. You aren't letting me use you. Your heart is closed off. You need to open up. Love them with my love."

Then again today, in my psychology class, Jesus spoke to me through an impulse to write. Today He reminded me of an interaction from back in my junior year of high school. I had broken up with a guy just a few weeks before, and though I was no where near heartbroken, I was still in a vulnerable place. It was my first (and up to this point, last) experience with that kind of a thing and I was not sure how to navigate through it. I wondered why it hadn't worked out, even though it had been a mutual decision to end the relationship and no one's feelings had been hurt.
But I still wondered if it had been my fault that things had slowly fizzled out. "Maybe I'm not pretty enough," I wondered, "maybe I talk too much or laugh too much or live in my own little world where enjoying princess movies is okay there, but not out in the world of dating relationships." I wasn't depressed or suffering, just a little down and out. Just as every girl is from time to time. But it was in that moment that I heard a soft, clear voice saying "I love you!" from behind me. I looked around, expecting to see someone, but no one was there. At least no one I could see. And it came again and again. And then came a sense of contentment and secrecy that I still can't explain. I knew Jesus was right there with me, telling me how much He really loved me. And I believed Him. OH HOW I BELIEVED HIM.

And so today, this is what He had me write:
"Remember when I came to you in history class and told you that I love you, out loud and audibly? You believed it then. Do you believe it now, though it is not always audible and out loud? But it IS out loud, my dear. My love is in and all around you. Come sit with me."

You've heard that song "In the Secret" by Andy Park (also sung by Sonicflood and MercyMe)?
It's amazing to me that that secret, quiet place is conditional only to God's timing and will. It can literally come to us in any time or place. This just speaks even more loudly to my post early this week about sitting in God's presence and letting Him shower us with His love in whatever way He chooses. Apparently Jesus likes to sit in on my classes with me. Sweet :)

Abba, I want to know you more.