in the secret, quiet place

On Monday, during my 9am psychology class I had a somewhat strange but wholly beautiful experience. Jesus came and sat with me for a while. He came to talk to me through my own writing. Here is the whole story...

My prayer this week has been this: "Jesus, tell me what you love. I want to love it, too."
That prayer runs through my head daily, always in the back of my mind. But this morning, Jesus answered my call. I had this irresistible impulse to start writing. So I wrote down that prayer. And suddenly, my hand began forming letters, into words, into sentences. I wasn't sure where it was coming from until I sat back to read what I had written. It was an answer straight from Jesus, a literal answer to my prayer. He said this...
"I don't need to. You know what I love, daughter. I love my children. You shall love them, too. You aren't letting me use you. Your heart is closed off. You need to open up. Love them with my love."

Then again today, in my psychology class, Jesus spoke to me through an impulse to write. Today He reminded me of an interaction from back in my junior year of high school. I had broken up with a guy just a few weeks before, and though I was no where near heartbroken, I was still in a vulnerable place. It was my first (and up to this point, last) experience with that kind of a thing and I was not sure how to navigate through it. I wondered why it hadn't worked out, even though it had been a mutual decision to end the relationship and no one's feelings had been hurt.
But I still wondered if it had been my fault that things had slowly fizzled out. "Maybe I'm not pretty enough," I wondered, "maybe I talk too much or laugh too much or live in my own little world where enjoying princess movies is okay there, but not out in the world of dating relationships." I wasn't depressed or suffering, just a little down and out. Just as every girl is from time to time. But it was in that moment that I heard a soft, clear voice saying "I love you!" from behind me. I looked around, expecting to see someone, but no one was there. At least no one I could see. And it came again and again. And then came a sense of contentment and secrecy that I still can't explain. I knew Jesus was right there with me, telling me how much He really loved me. And I believed Him. OH HOW I BELIEVED HIM.

And so today, this is what He had me write:
"Remember when I came to you in history class and told you that I love you, out loud and audibly? You believed it then. Do you believe it now, though it is not always audible and out loud? But it IS out loud, my dear. My love is in and all around you. Come sit with me."

You've heard that song "In the Secret" by Andy Park (also sung by Sonicflood and MercyMe)?
It's amazing to me that that secret, quiet place is conditional only to God's timing and will. It can literally come to us in any time or place. This just speaks even more loudly to my post early this week about sitting in God's presence and letting Him shower us with His love in whatever way He chooses. Apparently Jesus likes to sit in on my classes with me. Sweet :)

Abba, I want to know you more.

presence

So I've been in school at Front Range Community College for about a week. I have the same type of conversation with people about how it is going. This conversation usually goes along these lines:

Person: How is Front Range going? Do you like it there?
Me: Not really. I see a lot of people that went to my high school and I feel like a freshman all over again. That's really not where I wanted to be when I came back from  Seattle.
Person: Oh I'm sorry to hear that. Have you made any friends?
Me: Not any new friends. Two of my best friends and my sister go there as well, but I don't see them too often. I walk onto campus, go to class, then go home. I'm probably not trying very hard, but I've also only been there for one week, so there is time.
Person: I'm sure you'll make more friends soon! Do you wish you had chosen to stay in Seattle?
Me: Honestly, yes. I love being with my friends and family again, and I have really missed my church, but I am really missing the community and "college life" I was blessed with at SPU. 
Person: Do you regret your decision, then? I know you told me you were at peace about the decision at the beginning of the summer...

And this is where I am blown away by how fleeting my trust is in Jesus and His goodness, Jesus and His joy, and Jesus and His PEACE. The peace that I had about the decision to move back home was overwhelming back in March. I felt secure and excited about what the year would look like once I was back home. I expected that I would be growing and seeing fruit in my life. I had an expectation that it would be full of...well, fulfillment.
And this past week, I have not had a sense of fulfillment. I have been slow, mopey and thinking too much about what I want but do not have. I have been waiting to feel validated in my decision to leave Seattle and come back home. I gave up a great adventure for the familiarity of home. I have been wrestling with myself, trying to side with my emotional attachment to my home in the northwest while knowing the rational decision to be in Colorado was necessary and right. There I was, waiting, waiting for God to reveal something to me.

Yesterday I was sitting at a Starbucks, drinking green iced tea and listening to the conversations of the people around me. I then pulled out my journal from  Lake Shasta this summer and, reading through it, I came across a note from a friend. In the note was this little gem... "Seek God's presence in hopeful anticipation. His presence is greater than emotion or logic. It is life beyond this life." And all I could think of was how I had not sought God's presence at all in the previous week. After thinking on that for a few minutes, I continued reading the first chapter of "Sacred Rhythms". I bet you can guess what that chapter was about...Yup. Practicing the presence of God.
Barton suggests getting into a comfortable position and breathing deeply to put ourselves in a place where we can become aware of God's presence. She says, " breathe deeply in this moment as a way of releasing any tension you might be hold and become aware of God's presence, which is closer than your breath." Closer than your breath.
Think about that. God is present, in us and around us, in such a way that is closer than our own breaths as we inhale and exhale. His presence is greater and grander than anything we can see, touch or imagine. It is greater than our human logic and abundantly superior to our emotions. Even our (my) emotions about a new school and leaving behind something that I love.
 I want to seek His presence in earnest this week, and in the weeks to come. I will not do this perfectly, but He will make perfect my time spent in His presence. And He will cast out my apathy and my longing for the past. For He is the God of the present and His kingdom is the here and now just as much as the future promise. Great are you, Lord, and greatly to be praised!

You, Abba, are life beyond my life. You are love beyond my love. And you are certainly more in control of my life than I am. Help me to open my eyes to you and to open my heart to the experiences you have for me in this time. I have been looking at this year as a time of uncertainty and "lacking" something. Make me wise to your will and gracious to your plans, oh God. Tell me what you love. I want to love it, too. Amen.

the beginning

Here we are! The first post of my first blog. Here are a few things to know before we officially start off:
I would not classify myself as a "blogger". Let there be grace :)
I cannot promise that I will post everyday, or even every week, but often enough to keep you entertained!
I want to fall in love with Jesus over and over again.
And so it begins...

I suppose a little background information would be nice for those of you who are yearning to know the point and purpose of this, my venture into the blog world. Well, I'm glad you asked...
As many of you know, or may not know, I attended Seattle Pacific University in Seattle, Washington last year and had the greatest freshman year of college I could have asked for. I loved that city, the people I met and the experiences I had. And I still do! Unfortunately, it is a rather expensive school to attend. And while God provided all that I needed, and more, to have my Seattle adventure, I decided to return home to Fort Collins and attend community college for my sophomore year. This was partly in an effort to be a good steward of my finances, but mostly because I knew God was calling me back home. For what, you might ask?
I'll get to that. Not quite finished with my story yet...
Again, as some of you may know, I spent 4 weeks out on the waters of Lake Shasta in Northern California with Sonshine Ministries this summer. It was a time full of work, play, youth groups, new friends, sunshine and Jesus. But mostly Jesus. He stripped me to my core over those four weeks and He and I are still processing through all that He was revealing to me. What is it that Jesus taught me, you may again inquire? And why did He call me back to Fort Collins, though Seattle seemed to be my niche?
I have two words for you, friends ... the unknown.

I am currently reading through a book called Sacred Rhythms by Ruth Haley Barton. She wrote this book with spiritual disciplines in mind, calling attention to the ways that such disciplines can transform our hearts. Her first point in the introduction is simply this:
"One of the most basic things to understand about spiritual transformation is that it is full of mystery. We can be open to it, but we can't accomplish it for ourselves."
A little later in the introduction, she gives us this little gem:
"The decision to give ourselves to the experience of spiritual transformation brings us to the edge of what we know and leaves us peering into the unknown."

So there we have it. This year, my 21st year, will be a year of spiritual transformation as I peer into the unknown. Join me if you like :)